The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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