I cannot find my penis.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
