Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
