I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
