Nicole vs. Life
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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