Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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