I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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