How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
