can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
