i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
