wrigley field is MILF paradise
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
