I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
