A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
