His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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