Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
