I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
