I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
