Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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