peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
