Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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