Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
