i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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