you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
