If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
