dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
