Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
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I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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