Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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