Already got asked if we're dating
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
