I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
