I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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