apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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