Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
