I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
He has the fingertips of a God
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