6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
