I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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