Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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