Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
