Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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