I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
