Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
