from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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