I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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