Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
