wakey wakey hands off snakey
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
