Will you blow on my dice?
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
