Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
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If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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