i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
