They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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