Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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