Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
sarcasm needs its own font
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
