That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
