I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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