I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
