I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
