I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
