and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
