There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
