Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
