I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
