Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
