She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
should my penis look like a turkey
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
