that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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